T.G.I.Funny: Nobody Told Me There Would Be This Much Poop

T.G.I.Funny: Nobody Told Me There Would Be This Much Poop

Poop. Let’s talk about it

We all do it. Your friends do it. Your family does it. Your pets definitely do it. And if they’re anything like mine, they not only do it, but they do it in extraordinary amounts.

I know I shouldn’t be surprised by this. But every time my chocolate lab pulls up on his haunches and produces a pile so large you could slalom through it, I can only stare in amazement. “How did no one ever tell me this is what my life would be like once I had a dog?” I think. “Am I the only one experiencing this much poop?”

According to my vet, it’s completely normal. His inner workings all check out, and the grotesque descriptions of his poop elicit more “awws” than “ewws.”

So if this is so typical, how is it not being discussed more often? First-time parents are warned all the time about what to expect in terms of diaper duty. (More like diaper doody, though, right? Zing.) Yet, with all my pet-owning friends, the same topic never came up when I announced my intentions to find a canine companion.


My older brother and I used to debate the pros and cons of having a pet versus having a child. The most hotly contested item in our respective lists, terrifyingly enough, was the poop factor. A dog, I reasoned, would produce a small amount of the stuff consistently over its lifetime, whereas a child would hit you with tanks of it up front (when you were the least prepared to combat it) and then taper off over the next few years. Sure, a parent is eventually done with the poop handling at some point, but I would never have to make direct contact with my dog’s business. And that was a huge win as far as I was concerned. Use a bag to collect it and use that same bag to wrap it up and gift it to the nearest dumpster. Bam. Donezo.

Flash forward to three years of dog ownership and now, with each walk around the block, further trepidation sets in. “How substantial is this thing going to be? Did I bring enough bags? Please tell me this isn’t going to be another 3-bagger.”

My point is this: I may have vastly underrated the sheer volume of poop that would insert itself into my life. And there’s nothing I can do about it. All I can do now is warn future pet owners.

If you’re planning to become the loving owner of a pooch someday, perform a simple cost-benefit analysis of the whole pooping situation. How valuable is your time minus poop? I think that’s a question we should all ask ourselves.

Jacob Trowbridge/Pazoo


Jacob Trowbridge

About Jacob Trowbridge

After graduating from college with a Journalism degree, Jacob Trowbridge realized that the traditional role of a journalist was absolutely boring, so he dedicated his time to writing offbeat articles for off-the-wall publications. He also turned his active hatred and work-related rage into humorous essays about his coworkers that he presents in his blog.

Jacob is a regular contributor to UK pop culture website WhatCulture, a columnist for Points In Case, and a frequent contributor to...