Fantasy Football Is Finally Done Ruining Your Life

Fantasy Football Is Finally Done Ruining Your Life

Is fantasy football worth it?

With the fantasy football season coming to a close, we take a look back at the day-to-day routine that made it such a frustrating and time-consuming part of our lives. Consider this a eulogy for the wasted hours and lost championships that made us all briefly consider sitting out next season.

Here are the seven stages of your week as a fantasy owner:

Monday

The true end of the week, this is the last possible chance to come from behind, knock your opponent off, and get that W. Surely your kicker has a chance of scoring 20 points and winning it for you this week…right?

Tuesday

Time to assess what exactly went wrong last week and how you can avoid that type of severe pummeling this time around. Naturally, you just blame your kicker and the unfavorable match-ups for the rest of your team.

Make sure you scan that waiver wire for the hot running back from last week, though. WhatsHisFace Jones went off for 160 yards and two touchdowns while no one was watching! How did nobody think to draft this guy?

Wednesday

You scroll the Add/Drops to find you’ve successfully nabbed WhatsHisFace! Now your team has some real balance. You’re practically invincible this week.

Thursday

If you don’t have any players in the mix tonight–which you shouldn’t, because Thursday Night Football is notoriously fickle–then this is your day of rest. You can leisurely watch some of the game and go to bed happy, content that your opponent’s tight end only scored 1 point in the first 3 quarters.

“Why would he even bother playing someone today?” you think to yourself before drifting off to sleep.

Friday

Check the final score from last night’s game so you have the proper stats to back up your smack talk when you rub that lone point in your opponent’s face. Then lose your mind when you see that his tight end somehow racked up another 16 points after you went to sleep.

Make plans to buy a new phone because the screen on your old one somehow shattered.

Saturday

Scramble time. That calamity from Thursday night necessitates some adjustments to your receiving core. No longer is a collective 35 points from that group going to be enough to secure the victory. You can’t play it safe this week.

There has to be an untested wide receiver waiting to go off for big points this week. Who got injured last week? Who’s waiting in line behind them?

…ThatOneGuy Johnson looks like a solid flex option. Tall guy, probably a great red zone threat. His team will find out this week that they should have been using him all season long. And you just got in on the ground floor.

Sunday

You’re flipping back and forth between three games on TV. Your laptop is open so you can keep one eye on the scoring updates of any game that’s out of your network. Your limbs are working overtime, like an octopus who’s behind on his rent.

It’s a slow start, but your guys never really get going until the 2nd quarter, so it’s all good.

You check your computer to make sure the internet connection is working. Why aren’t the scores moving? Like, at all? Try refreshing your browser. Again.

It’s weird how the other team’s stats seem to be updating quite frequently. Is it possible for just one half of a screen to freeze up?

ThatOneGuy Johnson, the big trick up your sleeve, is only targeted twice with one catch for 2 yards. The “safe” wide receiver you benched him for outscored every other player on your team, more than your quarterback and defense combined. And that hot running back you picked up? He went out with an injury in the first quarter. And just like that, you need a miracle to win this one.

Maybe your kicker can put up 25 points in the night game…

Jacob Trowbridge/Pazoo

Jacob Trowbridge

About Jacob Trowbridge

After graduating from college with a Journalism degree, Jacob Trowbridge realized that the traditional role of a journalist was absolutely boring, so he dedicated his time to writing offbeat articles for off-the-wall publications. He also turned his active hatred and work-related rage into humorous essays about his coworkers that he presents in his blog.

Jacob is a regular contributor to UK pop culture website WhatCulture, a columnist for Points In Case, and a frequent contributor to...