5 Ways To Tell If You Are TOO Stoned

5 Ways To Tell If You Are TOO Stoned

So how many tokes until it is one too many, and how do you know? Oh, you KNOW!

So you come home from work stressed. Your week has been kicking your ass, and it just seems like every single thing that can do wrong is going wrong. You want to reach for the whiskey, but you know how sloppy it makes you. You think for a second and go grab your bong (which is cool because you live in a state where marijuana use is legal). You picked up a new batch of kush and haven’t tested it yet, but for the week you just had, you don’t care. You just want to get stoned and forget your stresses for a few hours while downing some Cheetos and watching Adventure Time. One hits lead to two hits leads to 126 hits later, and you are stoned out of your mind, which is very stoned to those who don’t know. But how does one know if they are TOO stoned? These are 5 very distinct signs you cannot miss. Trust me, you’ll know couchlock when it hits you.

You Think Your Pet Is Judging You

It may be your cat, sitting across the room, staring at you. Now if this were any other day, this would not bother you in the least. But today, you took 128 bong hits, and you feel like you can read your cat’s mind. “Wow, what a loser” it must be thinking. Maybe I should get up and vacuum to show it I am still the alpha of this house.

With dogs it is a little different, because it is like they KNOW you are stoned and just wanna bug you out. So they bark at something behind you or run over to play with you then run right past you into the next room for no reason.

And don’t even get me started on the way the fish just sits in the bowl, quietly staring, with its massive, judgmental eyes.

Your Shirt Doesn’t Seem To Fit Right

You will know you are too stoned when you find yourself pulling on your shirt. Dead serious, it is hilarious and it is how kids used to spot me and call me out in high school. There’s just something that happens involving shirts when you get too stoned. It feels like spandex, like it is clinging to your body, and you just keep pulling so as to keep the fabric away from your skin.

Trust me, even the movie Friday addressed this, which told me that movie knew its stuff about marijuana.

You Ate The ENTIRETY Of Your Fridge

Listen, a whole bag of chips is cool. We all get stoned and do that from time to time. You eat one without thinking, and next thing you know, you are cradling an empty chip bag in your hands. No harm, no foul. Such is life.

But on those occasions when you just keep making trips to the fridge, you might just be TOO stoned. A good example from my own youth I fondly recall was a plate that had fish sticks on it, orange slices, and peanut butter smeared all over the plate. Yeah, that combo hints you may have had one toke too many.

The Store Is WAY Too Bright To Go Inside

Okay, so this one is on the other extreme of the people who have everything and eat it all. You are stuck home and have NOTHING to eat, so you call a friend and get a ride to the store. Problem is, once you pull into the parking lot and see all the traffic and people inside and the eerie, fake glow of the neon tubes illuminating the place like a human bug light, you want nothing to do with it.

In that moment, they may as well have driven you to a police station, because in both instances, there is no chance you are getting out of that car (no matter HOW hungry or high you are).

Watching Hours of TV You Normally Hate

Okay, if you sit and get stoned and watch Animal Planet or Discovery for hours, that is understandable. Getting sucked into some good stoner TV can be fun and informative, whilst also entertaining. Wanna know how you mighta gotten too stoned? Check your TV history. If at one point you watched the weather channel for three hours, it is safe to say you got TOO stoned that night.

Or maybe you found yourself on Lifetime, watching a marathon of movies about horrible people and the evil that is the male gender. Who am I kidding? No one could ever be THAT stoned. That is just crazy-talk.

*Turns off Lifetime and backs out of room super slowly…

Remy Carreiro/Pazoo